i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
