My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
