I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
how does that bad decision feel?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize