I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
