I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
