Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
