i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
