I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
