I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
