I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
