update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
