Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
