Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
