If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize