In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize