Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
