And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
