Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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