Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
