I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
