If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
