Who wears a wallet chain?!
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
