I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
