OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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