The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize