That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
