My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
