ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
