her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize