ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
