where's my purse there's an important taco in it
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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