mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
