Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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