That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
