I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
