I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
