watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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