can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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