I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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