"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
