just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize