also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so let's talk penis.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
