it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
