So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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