He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize