all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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