Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
