Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
