he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
