this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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