you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
