i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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